


To blossom and wither

by YoonLolina



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: And in love, Angst, F/M, Hanahaki Disease, I promise, JiHan, M/M, Oneshot, Sad Ending, and jeonghan is straight, don't be mad at jisoo, honestly, i mentioned pristin but really is just roa, jeonghanxroa, jisoo is in love, let's give idols some space, minkyung, nor jeonghan, oblivious jeonghan, reality of entertainment industry, selfless jisoo, seventeenau!, she's innocent in all of this, shujeong - Freeform, this is sad i've warned you, throwing up petals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-06 02:31:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16379738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YoonLolina/pseuds/YoonLolina
Summary: «And what could Jisoo do if Jeonghan didn't saw the truth in the petals blossoming inside him?»





	To blossom and wither

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Hanahaki - Floreciendo y marchitándome](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/425960) by YoonLolina. 



> This would be my first story published in ao3, so I hope you like it!  
> Ps: there may be a lot of mistakes, i've read this a thousand times and still find some things, so i'm sorry in advance

It’s getting worse.

It had begun as a slight sore throat, kind of like a tickling sensation that sometimes made his voice crack, surprising him, his members and fans. When it transformed into a cough –strong, raw and dry –that he wasn’t able to control, he booked an appointment with a doctor. His voice was now raspy, way too different to the sweet tone that had always characterized him while singing. Jihoon had to come up with new arrangements for their songs, because he just didn’t fit anymore with the music Seventeen had been doing for five years.

In the hospital, an old and grey haired man treated him, writing his symptoms in a notebook, and he knew it was just one of their many ways to ignore the patient sitting in front of him. After almost one hour, the doctor couldn’t give him any solutions –nor even was able to diagnose him. Joshua wasn’t surprised, because he may have not mentioned all of his symptoms and it didn’t matter to him really.

So, the first time the flower petals –of all the colors and so beautiful –came out of his mouth; Joshua was kind of expecting it. It had been in the privacy of his apartment, locked in the bathroom while the other five members that lived with him decided over what to eat for dinner. He had to excuse himself out of the room, having the strongest cough fit until that moment. He barely had time to close the door before decorating the ceramic floor with colorful and painful petals for his body.

After a few minutes, feeling just good enough to breathe without flinching from the pain in his throat, Joshua looked at his work of art and cried. He didn’t wanted it, any of it, nor to be suffering from such disease, but that was the point: he had it because he didn’t owned his feelings anymore. He cleaned the bathroom floor, getting rid of any evidence, and went back to his friends –explaining the redness in his eyes with the cough. They were worried, Joshua knew it, because beyond being a band mate and showing problems with his voice, he was their friend and they were genuinely worried. The boys feared for his health, but Joshua wasn’t strong enough to tell them the truth.

And, as he knew it would happen, he kept on vomiting flower and roses petals. Joshua was still able to hide it, to make it seem as a bad disease that doctors weren’t able to diagnose –although he actually refused to go again to the hospital, already familiar with his condition and unwilling to hear all that was to come. But then, Jeonghan fell in love. With Minkyung, the cute Pristin member that had always showed interest in his blonde friend. Even if the older had told him about it because they were that close, the day he found them in Pledis’ rooftop, the cough appeared almost immediately. Near a small garden in that last floor –oh, fucking irony –Jeonghan was leaning towards Minkyung, his hands cupping the sweet girl’s face while he gently pecked her lips.

Joshua covered his mouth, trying to muffle his cough and swallowing the petals that climbed through his throat. Without being noticed by the couple, he ran to the first floor and went inside his group’s van, because they had an interview later. Unable to talk, he stole Seungcheol’s watter bottle when he entered the car and drank it fast –trying to send the flowers back to his lungs. The older looked at him with a puzzled look, but Joshua was able to excuse himself with a weak and raspy my throat was hurting badly and I was afraid of a new cough fit. It wasn’t a complete lie, so he lied down in his seat and closed his eyes while the van started to fill with the voices and laughter of his friends –luckily, Jeonghan had to go in the second car, because being thirteen people was impossible to fit in one car.

Maybe it was destined to happen, or it could be that the universe was against him. Anyway, when the cough fit attacked him while the interviewer asked something about their new song and Joshua couldn’t run fast enough, he didn’t had anyone but himself to blame.

Because even though it was actually really painful, throwing up flowers looked beautiful as hell. So, when the recording of the moment the petals blossomed from his lungs during the interview appeared in the news, all of Korea (and the entire world to be honest, he was quite a sensation) was fascinated with the gorgeous and weird scene. In the set, on his knees and throwing up a thousand colors in such sweet and wonderful forms, Joshua collapsed and his friends stayed frozen for almost a minute while they tried to process what was happening. The video was cut in the exact moment when Jeonghan, Mingyu and Seungcheol ran to him, trying to help; and Seokmin and Seungkwan went to cover the cameras, unsure of how else to help.

Joshua woke up in the hospital, being almost immediately attacked with questions and the concern of those twelve men that had refused to leave his room. One of them –he doesn’t remember clearly, because his throat and head hurt more than never –called the doctor, who turned out to be the same that couldn’t diagnose him before.

He scold him, because he knew Joshua had lied to him on purpose and –after calming his friends and ask them to to leave for a moment –the older man sat on a chair next to the black haired patient to explain all the different treatments that he’d start taking if he wanted.

A few hours later he went back home, guarded by his twelve best friends, who took the doctor orders very seriously –even when he explained them that the disease, as unusual a it was, had a cure. None of them asked him who he suffered for, who was the owner of those petals and flowers, and Joshua didn’t thought of telling them. He couldn’t dare.

So he received more fame from the video and the scandal that followed, but Joshua assured in other interviews that he was okay, that he’ll recover and it wasn’t anything to worry about. Their managers and Pledis’ CEO still decided that it was better for him to accept all the modeling offers (which include a weird amount of flowers, even when they denied to be using his condition as marketing) and soon his schedules with Seventeen decreased. Considering his voice was so husky he could barely talk, Joshua didn’t complain about it, and his friends understood he didn’t wanted to be a burden.

His model career went off, always involving something related to his disease (it’s to raise awareness, Joshua, was what his new personal manager said anytime he mentioned it) and his days as a Seventeen member were a thing of the past. Fortunately, his best friends completely refused to the idea of him moving out and insisted that they wouldn’t leave him alone, because he was still a part of their group and they'd love him even if he weren’t. He thanked them with blurry eyes, thankful to be allowed to stay next to his boys, and to continue to see Jeonghan every day.

The bestest of his friends, Yoon Jeonghan. Also the man he loved so much that it made his lungs and bronchia to grow flowers. The blonde was the one who took care of him, being fiercer than the other eleven, and even spending sleepless nights to pat his back while Joshua threw up his love in the toilet. While he shattered to pieces for a love that would never be his, he had to see Jeonghan coming back home with a special glow in his eyes, one that would never be dedicated to him. While he suffered for the older, Jeonghan came home every day a little more in love of Minkyung.

And Joshua was genuinely happy for him, because Jeonghan was finally knowing about love and had the luck to be loved back. But sometimes it was hard, like when the burning in his throat and the inability to breathe dizzied him while throwing up, and Joshua wanted to yell at his friend. He wanted to ask Jeonghan to be a little more selfish, to not look after him, because it hurt badly. Having him on his side while he was so sick, so pathetic and weak only made the hours longer for him. Only made him feel worse, for that love that could never be his and for worrying those twelve boys that were a second family in his heart.

Earlier that morning, he had to go to a routine appointment at the hospital. The night before there had been blood with the flowers, so after they did some tests on him and the doctor took longer than usual on returning with the results, he kind of knew what was happening.

The older man opened his consulting room door, looking so tired and defeated as Joshua had never seen him, and he waited silently for the man to find the strength to talk.

─The second time you came, and when I was able to diagnose you, I didn’t lied. –The doctor started saying, looking Joshua at the eyes with such intensity that only confirmed the truth in his words. –Hanahaki’s disease, as weird and unusual as it is, has been thoroughly studied. It’s treatable, and we have given you all the available treatments to fight it, Joshua.

─But… –His voice was a soft and raspy whisper, and it was the most he could do lately.

─But you… –Sighing, the man placed some x-ray examinations in the table in front of him, pictures of his lungs so filled with petals and what seem to be the roots of such flower; and Joshua finally understood how deadly was the disease. –You are a new case, Hong Joshua. Your organism has rejected every treatment and the flowers keep growing, taking too much space in your lungs. The situation is getting worse, and the blood coming out with the petals is the proof of it. You’ve started coughing blood because of how damaged your throat is, and for the roots that have attached themselves to the walls of your lungs. The last option would be a surgery, but in your case I’m afraid it wouldn’t work. They’d just grow back again.

─I know this is bad, I look pale even with the bunch of makeup I’m being put every day, doctor. –Joshua laughed weakly, feeling how his lungs screamed for the effort. –I know this disease is consuming me, just tell me how much.

The grey haired man, who he thought of as Ahn Jaehyun after seeing him so much, looked at him with such sadness in his eyes that it hurt. –You’re dying, Joshua.

─ How long? –He asked, without any trace of tears in his eyes. Somehow, he saw it coming. Joshua only wanted to call his mom and tell her how much he loved her. He wanted to go home and get some rest, having Jeonghan stroke his hair gently and concerned.

─Any time now. –Doctor Ahn threw the words with fear, and Joshua couldn’t blame him.

He was young, barely having twenty six years of life and with a rising career as a model, previously as a singer and idol member of Seventeen too. All that awaited for him and he couldn’t continue anymore. If he had more strength, if he was able to, he’d scream and complain to life. But he actually didn’t wanted to do it, because it’d be complaining about his love to Jeonghan and he… Joshua could regret about not being able to stay next to his friends, to not see his mother anymore, of not being able to see a sunrise again, but he’d never regret of his love to Yoon Jeonghan.

There are people who say love is stupid. That love makes you stupid.

Joshua could confirm that.

After the awful news, he went straight to the photo shoot that was scheduled. The makeup artists tried hard on making his skin look a little more alive, his lips less cracked and his eye bags to disappear. It was futile, because the disease was already in every part of him –and still, the companies fought for him, for having him in a photo shoot; since his sickly and romantic look sells more.

Sick bastards, Jeonghan called them and Joshua laughed, groaning for the cough fit that came after. It was true though, but the black haired didn’t care as long as he was able to forget about his misery for a few hours every day. He just needed to feel that everything was like before, although the new songs of his beloved band reminded him it wasn’t.

Jihoon confided him that there were secret songs, songs only for the thirteen of them, where there was always a part unsung, because it belonged to him. The younger, so optimistic and determined on Joshua’s recovery, showed it in the only way he knew: through music. It was lovely, cute and that morning Joshua considered it cruel too. For him and his best friends, because he’d never be able to sing by their side again. The time he lived as part of Seventeen had been the happiest and most beautiful of his life, and now he knew it was impossible to get it back.

The photographer called him, making him come back to reality, and Joshua forced himself to pose for the other, smiling and ignoring how every person in the set watched his weak and broken appearance. He ignored them until the cough came, and he –exhausted and breathless –spitted all those petals in front of a man that captured it in photos.

Sick bastards.

But love sells, and unrequited love did it even more. When the fit was over, his manager ran to help him (something he didn’t seem to consider necessary minutes before) and Joshua could only look at him and whisper his desire to go home. Inside the van he called his mother, like he did every week, and calmed her with positive words about his health. They spoke for a while, although it was more like she speaking and him listening, because he'd lose his breath after saying small sentences. Before hanging up, Joshua whispered a deep “I love you” that was the most sincere and heartfelt he had ever said to her.

His manager helped him get to his room, the one he shared with Jeonghan since the older decided to take as much care of him as possible, and helped him lay softly on the bed. Joshua smiled gratefully and the men left him alone to rest.

A week went by like that: Joshua attending to all of his schedules, spending the afternoons and nights with his best friends and throwing up an unrequited love at dawn. No one seemed to notice that something was really wrong, that there was something even worse lying in wait, and Joshua didn’t wanted to break their hearts. He didn’t wanted his last days to be stained by tears and sadness, nor to bid goodbyes with anyone. He’d never leave them, even if physically he wouldn’t be there anymore. It wasn’t a goodbye for him.

Jeonghan was laying down next to him, telling him about Minkyung and their date while Joshua nodded distractedly. He was more focused on admiring the older, the joy that identified him, that ethereal beauty that had caught him since day one. It didn’t even hurt anymore to hear him talk about the girl, because knowing there’d be someone to hold his best friend when he weren’t around anymore was an immense comfort.

But then he looked at Jeonghan’s eyes, and the love wave that hit him came with a new petals outbreak. He covered his mouth and the older helped him get to the bathroom, where Joshua threw all up in the shower. He fell on his knees, being catched by the blonde and continued to let the flowers to come out of his body.

When there was nothing else to throw up and his body was worn-out, Jeonghan lied on the wall and took him along, cuddling him between his legs. With his ear against the older’s chest, Joshua enjoyed listening to his heart beat. Slowly, the pain was forgotten while the black haired soaked up on the man he loved.

─I haven’t asked until now, because I thought you’d tell me someday. –Caressing his back, Jeonghan spoke. –Who is it? Who I the person that can’t love you back, Shua? I… I hate her.

Smiling, because even the keen Yoon Jeonghan couldn’t notice everything, Joshua kept silent for a few minutes. –He doesn’t know.

─ He? –The hand stroking his back stopped and Joshua knew Jeonghan’s face must be contorted by the surprise. –Wait, you’re gay and you think of telling me just now? I thought you didn’t wanted to date any girl because of all the fame!

─I’ve never showed interest on any girl since we met, I thought you’d notice it earlier. –He laughed softly, tensing because of the pain, and he cuddled even closer to the older’s body.

─So, why don’t you tell him? What’s stopping you, Jisoo? –Ah, his korean name. Jeonghan only called him like that when he was upset or being serious, and Joshua knew it was the second option.

He sighed, although it came out more like a short breath due to the small quantity of air that entered his lungs. –He doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t feel the same, he can’t, and he doesn’t deserve to live knowing how much hurt he brought to me. Although is not his fault either.

─If it were me, I’d love you back. –Jeonghan groaned, hugging him and Joshua whimpered for the pain (that was more emotional than physical).

─No, you wouldn’t. You’re straight and crazy for Minkyung, there’s no way to deny it. –Jeonghan laughed, ignoring how much those words hurt Joshua, and the younger decided to focuse on the beauty of the sound. It was easier to ignore his misery if Jeonghan made him happy.

─Well, in a parallel universe then. I’d love you if I were him.

Joshua didn’t answered, instead he let himself hide from the world in the arms of that man who maybe in another lifetime could have loved him back. Falling asleep, he vaguely noticed when Jeonghan lifted him and took him to his own bed, covering him with a blanket, careful and with affection.

He woke up at noon, after having called semi unconscious his manager earlier that morning to cancel his schedule, because he felt awfully bad. Seventeen was at a fan meeting, so the apartment was empty and silent. Joshua went to the kitchen for a glass of water and went back to bed, feeling too tired to eat something and choke in the process.

Laying on his side, he looked at Jeonghan’s messy bed, who never gets up on time to pick up his sheets. The flowers came with the same strength and speed as always, decorating his bedroom floor and a small piece of his bed. Joshua let them blossom, for the first time not wanting to fight it and swallow them back, and then he admired them –noticing those small drops of blood that almost every petal had.

If he were a little more selfish, he’d had told Jeonghan the truth. He would have told him that it was because of him, that he was dying and he didn’t really regretted any of it. But then, his best friend would live a life with that guilt, even though he wasn’t the one to blame, and would suffer for not finding out earlier. Besides, he’d suffer because even if he had seen the truth before, he still wouldn’t have been able to change anything.

And Joshua loved him so, so, much that when he started to lose consciousness and his heartbeat slowed down, he wished Jeonghan a happy life where he’d forget him.

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to work with the hanahaki disease the best I could, and I'm honestly quite proud of the result. Thank you for reading and please wait for more of me :)


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